A real post!!

I originally started this blog back when I was pregnant. I had hoped to blog about the experience, to try to capture the wonder and excitement of being pregnant. But it didn't happen that way (the blog, not the pregnancy). My daughter is now 2, and I still haven't posted much. I was always worried about what others would think if they knew what really was going through my head.

Now just seems like the right time to start. And I am not going to worry about what others think, I am just going to spit it all out. Maybe someone else can benefit from my experiences. If nothing else I hope they get a laugh out of it. :)

Now, where to start? While I have been married for almost 5 years, there hasn' t been much happiness for the past 3. My husband and I do not have a good relationship. And I claim primary responsibility. Now this isn't a self pity thing, or a always down on myself thing, it is a simple statement of truth.

FYI: For anyone who might read this, I will warn you ahead of time that we are Christians, and this post, this blog will often speak of our faith, our choices to live our lives according to God word. Just a word of warning.

I will go into the myriad reasons at a later time, suffice to say I wasn't wife/mother material. And I am desperately trying to change that. With Gods help I am making headway, but for every 2 steps forward there is one step back. I want to be the God pleasing wife and mother that I should have been all along, so I keep plodding along.

In church on Sunday, our pastor talked a bit about "denying ourselves" to follow Christ. I never really thought about that phrase before, but it really hit me. So many of the problems and sorrows in my life come from NOT denying myself. On Saturday my husband and I discussed the house. He is sick of the mess, and frankly so am I. But I work a full time job and am gone almost 12 hours a day. And I have to make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, etc, I don't have time to clean up the house.

But I make time to read my books. Or check the blogs. Or take a bath. You get the idea.

I don't mean that I shouldn't take time for these things. But I need to live up to my primary responsibility as a wife and mother first. I need to deny myself first to see that my family is taken care of, that they are fed, and clothed, and not tripping over everything in the house.

So I worked just a little bit harder on Sunday after church and what do you know, the house was a whole lot cleaner at the end of the night. And I still had time to relax and read a bit before bed. And I actually felt really good at the end of the night, like I really accomplished something.

God willing I will keep moving forward, and I will be able to keep this up. My house will be cleaner, my family happier, and my soul quieter.